4 months - BEING A PARENT IS LIKE......

Is parenting always worth it?
On the way back from my indoor football tonight, one of my football team, who is also a parent of a young child, used an analogy about parenting that I really wanted to share with you on this blog. My friend said; "Being a parent is like being a chef who is trying to impress people that are not hungry..." I thought it was a really great analogy given the context of the conversation we were having. I'd be interested to hear other people's analogies of parenting.

My friend also said, "your life is no longer judged by your own milestones". This really got me thinking, especially as people do often ask about my baby's developmental milestones, but it has been a long time since anyone asked me about my own goals and milestones.  

The context of the conversation was about the often unspoken "honest" thoughts of parenting  the thoughts that you might not feel able to share in a mainstream social setting, for fear of feeling judged negatively. There seems to be a prominent thought and expectation that parenting SHOULD BE  a universally positive experience and that the 'PROS SHOULD ALWAYS OUTWEIGH THE CONS'.

This really got me thinking about an article I recently read, (I think on the BBC website), that discussed the feelings of some parents who discussed the somewhat taboo subject of having said they probably felt the change of becoming a parent had more negative impacts on their life than positive impacts. Some people stated they simply felt the benefits of having children did not outweigh the sacrifices they had made, some people felt the change in their relationship with their partner had been ruined, and some people felt there had been ups and downs, but the cost to their own hopes and dreams had been too much to find  the decision to be parents to be a good one. Some parents went as far to say and that if they had the chance to repeat their life they wouldn't have children again. That's some real honesty there eh! 

I am not saying that I share that viewpoint, but I did think that there are probably many more people out there who may have strong opinions about how having kids changed their lives. Obviously there are a number of personal, cultural and philosophical aspects that would impacts on a person's judgement about the worth of having kids. Aspects such as a person's belief about the purpose of life and religion would factor in pretty heavily to a person's reflection I imagine. If there are parents out there who may read this blog, and have any strong thoughts on the subject I'd be interested to hear from you.

Swimming Trips & Poonamis!

On a more cheery note, the parenting experience rolls into it's fourth month and if I'm really honest it's been my favorite month by a long way. The main reason has been that as the baby's routine continues to improve and he's got a lot more interesting to spend time with. Time with my kid now feels a bit more fun and less like a series of chores. Yes I still have to change nappies, feed and soothe him, but as he is now alert, we can play little games and I've even taken him swimming.

Fortunately I not only bought a reusable swimming nappy (which is basically a pair of mini-swimming shorts), I also bought him a little swimming suit. This decision proved to be a masterstroke, because after a good 30-40 minutes in the pool, he was still floating around and checking out the Lifeguard, when I felt a significant ripple of pressure near his bottom! My mind quickly flashed with images of a Lifeguard blowing a whistle and people running and screaming as a Poonami / Code Brown alert was called.

Having quickly removed him from the pool I was soon to discover just how useful my Occupational Therapy task analysis skills were going to be. Have you ever tried dressing yourself, your baby, negotiating a dirty & wet nappy in a confined space, on a wet floor? - I don't recommend trying it.  I was just glad to get out of the pool space without strangers whispering and pointing and a ban notice.

Searching for a Nursery....

I always thought that people who fretted about leaving their dogs in kennels when they go on holiday were a little bit precious. That was until recently when we started the process of just thinking about, maybe, possibly, putting our little baby in a day-care place on a day that we are both working. Well, let me just say that it is not just as simple as finding somewhere that has a free space! High-School level algebra exams, University Challenge questions and drunken games of trivial pursuits 'mastermind edition' are all examples of easier things to do than finding 'the right' place to leave your child.

Not only do you have to factor in what kind of philosophy the child-care place has, but what sensory stimulation resources do they have, how do they define 'free-play', how many kids are mixed together and with what abilities; - it's so complicated. AND... given the fact that we do live in a litigious world, there are records of what your child likes, doesn't like, when they sleep, eat need a nappy change... my eyes have been opened and I'll definitely discuss this more in the next post!

THE OCCUPATION BIT
So now after four months I do feel that there are more opportunities to 're-engage' with non-child related activities. This has been dependent on the sharing of parental duties, and the support of visiting family. For me personally, the biggest positive change in the last month has been the opportunity to do some regular (ish) exercise. The fact that the baby has more regulated routines, definitely helps, with how we plan the inclusion of those activities and occupations which we can call 'non-essential' tasks - or, as most people know it as - LEISURE TIME...

Our 'family time' is still punctured with various baby-related  activity like swimming with the ante-natal group, visiting friends and somewhat ironically - lots of baby showers. Our non-work schedules are remain very focused around the child's feeding times and sleeping routines, (which is probably the biggest challenge for me right now. I have an ingrained sense of punctuality and no matter the circumstances I feel bad about arriving 'late' to places. I have spent most of my adult life arriving on time of more often than that a little early so I wouldn't have people waiting for me. Now I 'm lucky if I arrive anywhere (with or without the baby) within an hour of when I said I would be there. That said, these activities (occupations) serve a valuable purpose in ensuring we remain part of the wider community and bigger world - than the confines of our home.

Post-birth, it seems to me that most people in my life now see me as being primarily a parent above all other roles, rather than a person (who happens to have a child). This is a feeling that doesn't sit naturally with me at this moment as I don't necessarily see my role as a parent as the role that I attach the most value to, or that I get the greatest pleasure from. I do however see the parent  role as the role that takes up most of my time! ....and for me that's a big difference. Of course that's the beauty of the human condition - people may experience the same process, but they can experience it in many different ways. :)

3 Months! We are at three months of the baby’s existence. We’ve been told this is a good sign, and I’ve heard many a new (ish) parent say, "oh it gets a bit easier after three months." I’ve also heard other parents say 6 months… 12 months… 2 years…..   

Regardless of other’s experiences all I can say is –  Things are definitely a bit more settled at this time than they were a few weeks ago. Practice = confidence, it’s this simple process that has made a big difference to me. There is far less baby related crisis now. We have learned by experience to deal with such events as poonamis, crying fits, long periods of being unsettled, and other ‘what the ???##**!## do we do?’ moments. We are feeling more prepared with each passing week. The words in the picture below make a great mantra.

Yes I am glad we have a nice routine, and it works most of the time, (Yes I am aware it could change at any time… hence being very grateful for it right now). Our new family routine has changed significantly, I wouldn’t say it’s better or worse – it’s just different! There are many more things to do, and much less time for social pursuits, but equally there is the growing sense of mastery over a new process and a very deep appreciation for the parent’s new born babies that I can honestly say I didn’t have before.  I'm not sure about other people's expereince, but having a good bedtime routine, including having a bath (the baby - not the parent), and a gradual sensory slow down process (decreasing stimulus, noise and lighting) has helped our little one with getting to sleep so far. Top-Tip: We have used the advice of having hot air blowing when the baby is on the changing table as it seems to sooth him (a fan or hairdryer works well).  

I wouldn’t say my overall perspectives on life have changed nor would I say my values have changed greatly, though I would say my priorities have changed – and it’s been a change made out of necessity. I’ve heard lots of people say ‘oh I can’t imagine my life before he/she came along” – though personally I can not only vividly cunjour up the images of my pre-baby life, I miss elements of it greatly.   This conflict of enjoying the new experiences and processes whilst missing previous experiences has been a little stressful for me.

These are the kind of guides I would recommend (below), as the amount of ‘advice’ that new parents are bombarded with is just insane. Yes of course when the baby cries for a long time and nothing seems to clam him, or if he looks in pain I worry, however bringing a smile to my own face stops me from getting too worried. I love these instruction manuals below because they always make me laugh.

(I have to say it is funny watching parents of new borns trying to make the smile. I have even found myself doing things I would have totally have thought as as bing silly or stupid, to try and get a smile).
There is something quite magical about when your baby starts smiling, though I think that smile is seen as a signifcant dvelopmental milestone, but more importantly I think parents interpret the smile as as part of a more selfish thought cycle (If baby is smiling, baby is happy = if baby is happy = I'm being a good parent = I have validation I'm doing ok). I wonder if there are cultures out there where smiling is not used in the same way and how people validate their parenting abaility with new-borns?? Hmm - that's a question for another day.

To Vaccinate or not to vaccinate???

The internet is not your friend..... I repeat the internet is not your friend. Our little one has just had his 12 week injections, that was our choice, but I had little idea that there are some truly mad people out there in Internet land who want to scare anybody looking to get online advice about vacinations for babies...

Personally, I think it's a parent's choice. Unfortunately as we all know, the internet gives a platform for anyone with a passion to throw out their own opinions, bias and sometimes crazy rants about why you should or should not do something and the scary consequences if you don't do as they say. I've always been pretty confident in my own decision-making and cynical when I see passionate arguments on-line without acknowledgement of both sides of the argument. All I will say to new parents is talk with friends and family - ignore 95% of the crap on the internet.

The Occupational Bit....
Routine has always been a good friend of mine. Spontaneity is all well and good when you have time, but when your world is suddenly consumed with something like a baby (or travel / death of somebody close / new job / trauma etc, then the familiarity and certainty of a routine can be immensely powerful.  The routine that has come with much thought, some planning, and heaps of trial and error has allowed us as a family to feel more confident and certain that we can manage this new situation well enough. Making sure the routine does not overwhelm us is also equally important, so having supportive friends and family help tremendously.
We've talked about the effects of sleep deprivation before, however through this experience I have learned how the disturbed sleep can affect my movement, concentration, focus and decision-making in many areas of my life and work.
I've also worked hard at making sure I do some things (play football), and spend time with some people where there is very little talk of babies or parenting, and I get a reminder my existance is not only to provide for and protect a baby. I appreciate other parents may feel differently.

On to the next chapter....