Getting Social or Disappearing: Things new parents have to consider.

Approaching month 6: Things are getting interesting and danger lies everywhere! Whilst the baby is becoming more and more like a little person each week and less like a bag of smelly wind and vomit, I am starting to realise just how beneficial it was to move home recently.

Whilst I am definitely mourning the loss of ‘city living’ (living a walkable distance to the city centre), and even more gut-wrenching is moving away from ocean views, I am beginning to understand how important the home environment is for a baby / young child once they can roll, crawl, or just grip anything with force.

So whilst I struggle to come to terms with exchanging ocean views and easy coastal access for low-lying cloud and a bit (extra) wind, I have no problems exchanging a top-level flat (accessed via an old wooden staircase) for a private small yard & garden and ground level entry. I have learned the hard way that the feature that I most like about our previous home, (having a separate kitchen), is not child friendly. Now an open-plan living area has allowed me to both watch the baby whilst preparing dinner, (it was a Shepard’s Pie – for those of you who may have been wondering). When the time comes I now do not have to worry about the baby crawling or running towards an old wooden staircase.

The other bonus is having a separate room for the baby – though this also comes with some good and bad features. Good feature: I’m less likely to get woken up at night if the baby makes a few brief noises. Bad feature:  I have to get out of bed to soothe the baby. Good feature: our room does not look like a bomb-site filled with baby clothes, toys and random stuff. Bad feature: we now have a ‘baby monitor’ (audio only) – which means if you are in the baby’s room and forget about the monitor, other people in the house might hear what you are saying / singing, or moaning about!

Now after seeing these kind of pictures, I'm glad we opted for an audio only monitor!

Visiting Friends when you have a baby:

I am beginning to have a better understanding of how parents of a new born baby can seem to disappear from their usual social circle and activities. Just visiting friends in their home can throw up some very new and challenging scenarios. Going to your mates for a beer, cuppa or catch up suddenly requires military style precision to achieve this.

First of all there is the bag packing....

Then there is the rush...

This explains why going to the homes of other people with similarly aged babies / children is much less stressful. Most baby free homes do not have a dedicated space to change a baby, (important in minimising poonami over-spills), they usually don’t have appropriate toys around to help distract your baby / child, and most importantly, your friend’s without young children haven’t put nice decorative / expensive ornaments out of the reach of children - because they don't need to.

So why not invite friends around to your own house? - I hear you ask! This is not always a good option, even though this involves far less worry regarding your baby’s poo & feeding times. This is often because you just simply don’t know what state your home is going to be in at any given time. There are days when you might have found to have a good clean up / tidy up and then there are days when you simply have been so overwhelmed with attending to your baby that you suddenly walk into a room in your home and wonder how you had not noticed that a category storm 5 has passed through scattering clothing, bottles and other random items around in such a way, that you have to check that you haven’t been the victim of a movie-esq FBI home search.

Then there are social outings... Not only do I desperately miss being able to say yes to spontaneous invitations from friends to go for dinner, drinks or do fun social things at the weekends, I don't really enjoy having to pack a suitcase (well pretty much) of things that I am unlikely to need, yet really need in the unlikely event that the baby actually does need them. You only to forget to pack a spare change of clothes / or appropriate clothes for weather conditions one time, to know disaster is never far away. New parents: no matter how nice your friends are, they don't really like seeing you squirm around with a screaming child and poo-covered hands - even if they laugh half-heartedly and say - "oh it doesn't matter that you have soiled our beautiful furniture / recently purchased clothing / or pet dog". Also, in the event that you have successfully navigated a social event and are having a good old time, there is a big likelihood that your child or child's routine will determine the time you leave. 

  
Trust me, if you have a routine that works for you, and your baby is sleeping well as a result of that routine there would have to be a truly amazing reason for you to break that routine at a social event. I am serious about this! Your favourite movie star would have to  be trying to seduce you, or your football team would need to be minutes away from the greatest victory in their history  - to justify breaking a successful baby routine. 
That said, we have enjoyed taking out little one to numerous social events, BBQ's, dinners, community events etc - though we do always consider if there is a place for him to sleep / eat / be changed before going.

THE OCCUPATION BIT: - The environment can be your friend:
One thing my time as an Occupational Therapist has taught me is that perspective can be a powerful tool or barrier to achieving your goals. I don't think there are too many OT's that have racked up as many different cross-cultural OT--related experiences as I have, so I feel quite qualified to make these next statements.
I have learned to perceive any new environment that I find myself in (cultural, political, social etc ) as my friend, as a support. Yes, any environment can offer barriers to the successful task completion (of socialising with a baby), and yes a new environment has the potential to raise anxiety, but it also offers us an opportunity to use our problem solving skills. Not being able to control all of the environment (hazards, noise, past positive experiences), does not mean we are unable to navigate a way through a new place. I have discovered almost any home can be temporarily turned into a place where a baby's can sleep, be cleaned up and most importantly enjoy and explore - with the right level of supervision and thought.  

I have found in the past 2 months that maintaining a good social routine has been beneficial to the whole family. Maintaining social contacts reminds that I am more than 'care giver', feeling able to access a wider physical and social environment minimises any levels of frustration and ultimately our little boy has the opportunity to get used to being in different environments and more socially aware, even at this young age.  This has only been possible by embracing the opportunities that come with taking a baby into new environments and accepting the challenges that go with it!

Regards from parent land.
Dan

Month 5 & Christmas with a baby...

Hi Everybody,

Month Five has included some big changes for everybody. The baby gets bigger and heavier to carry - so the arrival of a baby-carrier has been really brilliant! Of course as with any new 'toy' you need to have a little guidance on how to use it!

Using the baby carrier is something we now wished we had done from the very beginning as being able to use your hands and arms whilst carrying the baby at the same time is a bloody useful thing to be able to do. I took the baby out in the carrier and found that he took time to settle, and he only settled after some extreme finger-sucking got him to relax enough for him to sleep in it.  

CHRISTMAS WITH A BABY

Christmas has also come and gone with a house move thrown in for good measure! I tell you, in the past 18 months I have ticked at least 4 out of the top 10 items on the 'life's most stressful events' list with moving countries, getting married, having a baby & becoming a parent, moving house and then some!!! I think I need a holiday!

Christmas time itself was certainly very different and had a different dynamic to it with a baby around the place. My first instincts were 'there's no point in doing much for the baby - as he is 4 months old and won't remember any of it anyway! Plus I didn't want to waste money on presents for a baby, when to be honest, he'd be just as happy with only the wrapping paper if it is colourful and crunchy...

Whilst I was right about the colourful & crunchy wrapping paper being the best present for a baby, I was surprised about how much he liked to see the Christmas tree lights, how much he liked to try and grab the tree, and how much he liked to watch things go on around him. One really big thing I have learned form this first Christmas is to appreciate the simple things. Yes I can be a little 'careful' with money as those of you who know me well may tease me about, but I can honestly say that no amount of money would have made a difference to our lovely Christmas, especially as my parents were here to share it with us. Now I am looking forward to the next few Christmas celebrations where the little one can truly get into the magic of Father Christmas, and I can use 'Santa' to remind him to be behave well (or get no presents).

As the year ticks by and we enter 2017 with a 5 month old bundle of fun I have started to think about how much I have learned in the past 4/5 months. Feeding, holding, soothing, bathing and generally just interacting with the baby has become much easier. There is never a shortage of advice from either friends, family, other parents or just passers by  who are willing to give handy hints on how to survive through those first 3 months of the baby arriving and having your entire word disrupted. The pictures below definitely show how we, (I should say I), have developed through the parenting process.

I also need to develop a few of these clever strategies:

Moving house with a baby..... oh this does take some planning, and as much as I enjoy planning things, moving house is stressful enough without adding the complications of what needs to follow the baby. We've had some interesting conversations about what was 'essential' and needed to move with the little one. I  have to say that my wife's logic won out over my pragmatic approach and we have held on to some items which will help us keep him occupied whilst we complete the full move in the coming days.

As 2017 is now here I am hoping for a year of stability. No more moves in country or overseas, no job changes, no pregnancies, no major life events of any sorts if possible. Hopefully 2017 can be a year of just pleasant simplicity, and enjoying the development of both the little one, and the not so little one. (plus myself as well).

THE OCCUPATION BIT:

I can say with all honesty that 2016 will remain a significant turning point in my life. A new permanent, 24 hour, challenging, sometimes dumbfounding occupation has arrived in my life. It's added daily challenges, joy, stress and frustrations to everyday life. It's very different from the parenting role I already held (as a step-parent), but equally rewarding (so far).

This new role has caused an involuntary seismic shift in my participation in what I considered to be my usual roles and other occupations. This new occupation has even affected the social interactions I have in all other occupations, and seems to have changed my own and other peoples perception of me as a person. Indeed, people ask my about this occupation of being a parent, usually before they ask me how I am doing as an individual... that's been a really big change. It's almost like instead of having a sign above my head with my name 'DAN' on it, the sign simply says 'NEW PARENT'. The loss of my identity as an individual as a result of this change was not something I had considered much prior to having a baby. I am getting used to it, though am fortunate enough to have a very wide group of friends who do still ask me "oh hey Dan, how are you doing?" before they ask - oh hey, how's the baby?

The other major issue is that of occupational competence. Prior to experiencing being a parent of a new born, I have always felt a reasonable sense of mastery of the things I have done in my life, (since being in my early 20's). I'd always assumed that parents kinda knew what they were doing. One thing I have learned via experience and vicariously through other new parents, is that many situations occur and you just don't know what to do...a and that can be really scary and make you feel a bit crappy. People don't tend to ask you if there is any thing you are struggling with? - however, I've learned that asking that question (to people you know well enough to ask that kind of question to) often gives them a reason to offload anything they want or need to.  So please be patient with new parents, don't judge their actions too quickly, and occasionally if you have a close enough relationship, ask them if they are struggling with anything.  

Cheers for Reading :)
Dan