I'm 4 weeks into a 6 week break with my son being overseas visiting family. Being away from your child at 9/10 months for 6 weeks is a pretty big deal (more for the parent than the baby I reckon). I'm not one to sit around think about the negatives, so after a stressful start to the 6 weeks, I quickly devised some planned weekends of activity, thought about how much money we might save not having to heat the baby's room all night (a major issue in NZ), and thought about all the possibilities that lay before me for the next 6 weeks.
A TIDY HOUSE;
First thing first, I didn't want too many reminders of being so far away for my little one, and also because I like things to be tidy. I have realized, much to my frustration, that no matter how clean and tidy you might have been in your pre-baby life, it is almost impossible to keep a clean and tidy place once a baby enters your life. There are toys, clothes, food splatters and basically anything the baby / child has touched flung into places you just can not believe. I swear to you that the places that baby items hide away almost defy the laws of physics. Time is the usual barrier to keeping things tidy now and in one place, but your kid's ability to propel food and toys into the far flung dark corners of any room is quite amazing.
I hunted down all stray baby items and put then away in his room and when I finished I remembered what a normal living room and kitchen looked like. You can see the kitchen worktop, you can see more than 50% of the floor space and possibly most enjoyable is that you can sit on the couch and when you get up, you will not have a dummy, toy or bib stuck to your arse or leg! More seriously, you realise you can put things down (cup of tea, keys, phone) and not be worried that it might be a serious hazard for the baby.
One final thing to note is that I have still come across lots of quite stereotypical comments from people when they learn that I'm now being a single parent to a teenager. These comments are not at all insulting but seem to suggest that people still hold firm beliefs that a 'womanless' household will struggle with cleaning, cooking and domestic tasks. I'm not attributing this to NZ culture because comments aren't exclusively from Kiwis. People have said - "oh are you boys coping / eating well?" - Clearly they have forgotten that I survived perfectly well for 15 years before getting married.
SOCIAL LIFE & CHANGES OF RELATIONSHIPS;
This may be a bit more controversial. I know there are parents that say they don't miss their pre-baby life. I am not one of those parents. Please don't misunderstand , I am not saying I regret having had a baby, not at all. I am just saying that having no spare money, no free time and no decent sleep are not things that I consider to be a 'joy of parenting'. Yes I know people keep saying 'things get easier' and I believe they do.. hopefully!
Therefore I embraced the freedom (restricted freedom that single parenting the other child brought) and planned as much exercise, socialising and a few late nights out, as I could. I'm not going to lie, it's been really great to be able to do things that I just haven't had time to do in the past 18 months. Having a break from 24 hr intense parenting has allowed me to do lots of fun things, but that's not really the message I want to get across. It's not just being able to stay out late, or beyond even just 7pm, it's the opportunity to reconnect with people on a different level. For 4 weeks now, I have not been perceived as Dan the parent of a baby - but Dan the friend, Dan the colleague, Dan the sports coach.... and just Dan... me... not an attachment of a baby. In a total role reversal of the past 9 months conversations I have with people have changed from being baby-centred, to being person-centred.
I've had conversations about work, relationships, sports - etc. I have only spoken with a few parents about this issue in detail and it seems most people take a view that (this is just what happens when you have kids), you end-up spending less time with people without kids, more time with young children as you can identify with those issues. However as this change continues, you really have very limited time to consider how these changes effect yourself emotionally. I am sure there are parents who really struggle with this but may feel guilty for even thinking of considering their own needs even for a minute beyond the needs of their baby.
My OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY experience and journey has taught me many, many things about life. I've seen many different types of 'carers'. There are carers who have gradually fell into that role for a partner, parent or close relative, there are carers that suddenly found themselves in the role after an accident or trauma. I have met carers / parents of kids with physical and emotional issues, child carers (often oldest siblings from dysfunctional families) and carers of dying relatives. Objectively, from an external perspective, and in most situations, the advice to carers is to allow some time for yourself, help yourself stay healthy and strong so you can be the best carer for the person you are caring for.
Often the hardest job is supporting a carer to let others help and maintain the relationship they want with the person they are caring for, and not lose that intimacy by stopping the primary role activity (partner, parent, son, daughter, friend) - yet we don't really apply the same thoughts to parenting. I can only speak from my own perspective of course but I know there are people out there that the loss of / change to, their own identity really difficult...
THE OTHER SIBLINGS:
Being baby-less for 6 weeks has also allowed me to spend some quality time with my other kid, which has been another opportunity I have taken a full advantage of. In fact the more time I have spent with my teenager in the absence of the baby, the more I feel a little guilty about the lack of time that we have been giving to him. We have been out socially together more in the past 4 weeks that we have in the last 9 months and it's made me realise that we have been missing out on some pretty great development and quality time with him. With so much focus on the baby and immediate needs (feeding, toileting, sleeping) we have had less time to do things together. Given a teenager's need for long sleeps and weekend sporting commitments, (the same can be said of the parents), it's not easy to create lots of quality family time. Though living her in NZ there are endless opportunities to do outdoor family stuff and this is something I hope we manage and find a better balance to make sure we don't miss too much of any of either of our kid's development.
THE UNKNOW PARENTING ETIQUETTE:
Two weeks ago whilst watching my son's school football game I found myself in a rather unusual dilemma. It was a rainy and old Saturday afternoon, The football pitch was muddy and getting muddier. Unexpected rain had soaked me through the first half. I was just sipping my home-made flask of tea when my son's coach asked if I'd referee the second half. I felt like I could do it (as I used to referee rugby back in the UK) and it was a casual game and my son's team were winning 4-0.
My 'Britishness' kicked in as I heard myself say, "er, well, ok, ... yes I can do that if you'd like". I drank the remainder of my tea, and looked at the muddy field, then looked down at my suede trainers and jeans. - hmmm I thought, this maybe wasn't a good idea.
Anyone that has played sports with me knows that communicating clearly in a loud voice (shouting lots) is not a problem for me, so that was fine. I had used a whistle before with authority and I knew that saying things with confidence is 75% of the trick. The only uncertainty (apart from wondering when I was going to fall on my arse) was going to be would I display any bias to my son's team. At 4-0 it was not likely, but as 4-3 and then 5-4 with 2 minutes to the end of the game, it was not so easy. I didn't want to make a decision that might influence the game and worry that my son's team mates would give my son a hard time if I made a controversial call that made influenced the result. I did give the opponents one last chance to attack after the end of injury time, but fortunately they couldn't score.
This got me thinking about what other situations do parents find themselves in unexpectedly which relate to their kid's activities and social groups?
THE UNSPOKEN QUESTIONS:
Despite having no doubts about the benefits of my son being away for a significant period of time there have been some unspoken questions in my head like: Will my son forget me at all, a little, or entirely? How practical would skyping and 'whats ap' video calls be? How would I feel seeing my baby change via pictures and video only? I also wondered if he'd pick up a Colombian accent to his mumbled sounds after being exposed to weeks of Spanish.
As we enter the final stretch of time I'm happy to say that with being able to see my son most days via phone aps has been a really helpful way to share his experience. The time difference really does not help much here so having videos of him exploring his new environment and family has been wonderful to watch. He's also shown lots of signs of recognition when we attempt to chat video phone / computer.
What could have been a very difficult experience for me as a parent of a young child being so far away at a time when changes are happening has actually been a time full of positive experiences. I see my baby growing and learning to adapt to significant change. I've been able to connect better and more frequently with child number one, I've been able to sleep well for a while which has improved my general functioning significantly, and I've been reminded that I'm more than a baby's personal cook, cleaner, washer, entertainer. so all's well that ends well.
Regards from NZ
