Where did the last 2 months go?

 I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I last wrote a blog post. It just shows you how your time is never really your own anymore once a baby enters your life. SERIOUSLY I MEAN IT, DON'T HAVE A KID UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO GIVE UP EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR DAY!

There have been many memorable events in these past two months, and lots of things I'd love to share here, my football team's recent performances being the most memorable and my own indoor football performance of two weeks ago, but that said, I'll talk about the baby related stuff instead.

Things like the baby eating sold food (messy), the forming of 'mama' and 'dada' words, (Heart-warming) and the beginnings of crawling (dangerous).. all quite significant milestones. But sod those things, as there’s much more fun stuff I want to talk about.

I had a week off, just 2 weeks ago. It was actually the first time I have had any time off work following my baby's birth (expect the first week of the baby's life which I had to take as unpaid leave - and that doesn't count as 'quality time'). Having a full week with my boy was something I was really excited about and a little scared too, as I'd be responsible for feeding the little poo monster.. and that was something I wasn't exactly sure about. I've never been a great fan of cooking and quite frankly preparing food for a baby is about as exciting for me and watching a plant grow!

This time would also provide me with the opportunity to go to a few baby / parent events (and there are shit loads of them here in Wellington) - many of them free! I had a choice of 4 or 5 Baby 'Rock & Ryhme' sessions at all the different libraries, Baby Movie time Wednesday morning session at the multiplex cinemas where they leave the lights up and you can take your baby and watch a movie without the entire audience wanting you to shut your baby up and #!**$!# leave... Then there were other baby play / story time events around the city, and possibly my favourite was at one of my favourite bars in this city... The Southern Cross Bar (Able Smith Street - not so shameless plug!) has some amazing community events. From 'free Salsa classes' to 'stitch & bitch' social knitting sessions, and free BBQ on weekends evenings to such family friendly events such as a monthly free puppet show!  But wait there's more... on Tuesday & Thursday mornings there are Free Massage for parents sessions from 10-12:30 where a member of staff (in this case the lovely Robyn) looks after your kid whilst you get a free massage. I kid you not... a free massage. Anyone that knows me, knows there aren't many thing I like more than a good massage.

So DAY ONE was mostly about survival... I took my wife's advice, (see Vibi I can do that sometimes), stayed at home and just prepared pureed food and soups for the baby with the most basic ingredients. I had supermarket-bought baby food packets on standby to manage any unexpected disasters.  The main thing I realised about feeding a baby (that was now sat upright in a high chair) was that babies like to play with their food. I get that, and hey yes I know it's part of the sensory development process. However, I found that actually, my compulsions to save 30 minutes of cleaning after feeding won out over letting the boy make a huge mess. He wasn't sure what was going on considering my wife lets him play lots with his food. Therefore, other than restraining the little bugger's arms in baby handcuffs, I tried every conceivable trick to keep the baby with his mouth open but away from his vice-like hand grip. He managed to fling a few spoons of food across the room onto the only bit on unstained carpet, and cover the nice cushion from the sofa (which was supporting him to sit up) in green mush. This was much worse if the tv was on and as he would try and turn around to watch the tv, he would use the cushion as a napkin!

Otherwise I think I won round one... Though on reflection, the extra time it took me to keep him clean probably outweighed the time it would have took to let him be messy and just clean up afterwards.  When the baby did win a round and smothered drops of food through his hands and face, I swear he looked at me directly in the eyes as if to say "hey, new feeder, I feed by osmosis so stop this obsessive compulsive clean crap or I will make you pay!"

After what I considered to be a victory in the dad corner, we got more adventurous on DAY TWO and hit the Baby 'Rock & Rhyme at the local library. Johnsonville library was the venue and after a quick 500 metre (full blown run if I'm honest) from the house to the library we arrived just in time to hear the first song starting.  My poor boy must have wondered what all the rushing about was for as we sat on a cushion at the back of a selected space in the library. There was probably the best part of 30 babies / parents in a smallish space with a woman sat the front with a screen showing the words to each song next to her. There were of course actions to accompany the words, and I figured this must be what the former members of steps were most likely doing now - as they loved songs with actions...

As I looked more closely around the room I noticed that my little boy looked a wee bit different than most of the other babies, (he is mixed ethnicity anyway so I am used to him standing out), but I realised he was almost the only non-Asian / mixed-race Asian baby there. This of course was not an issue, just a rather interesting observation. The woman at the front was now half singing / talking about how Incy-Wincy spider certainly prefers sunshine, but has apparent amnesia when the rain starts, and so we hummed along. The boy was more interested in the little 2 year-old Chinese girl sat next to him, to follow the movements of the song. Soon the 'Grand old duke of York' song popped on, and well, yes you can imagine what happens... when he (the grand old duke) was up (the hill) the babies are thrust into the air to see who might vomit first, and then when he (the grand old duke) was down (the hill), the babies were brought crashing towards the ground like a South island bungy jump gone wrong. This cycle continued for 5 minutes, and I jokingly thought it would be funny to ask my neighbour if they wanted to swap their little light Asian new born for my 9kg whopper to help improve muscle strength. (They didn't swap, and moved away from us quite quickly afterwards, I think something got lost in translation).

DAY THREE (Massage day!) By now I had the breakfast routine down to a rigid 30 minute routine and the baby was getting used to daddy's preferred clean-feeding routine. We dashed off to the city to check out the 'Parenting Group' at the Southern Cross bar in the city. The bar has many rooms but as a regular visitor I knew which of the private rooms would be hosting the group. There were a fair few women and babies in the room when I arrived and the massage chair set-up in the corner. Some of the women clearly knew each other and one or two appeared to be there by themselves like me. My boy was sleeping soundly on our arrival so I just got myself a drink (a cup of tea) and sat back and relaxed with my book. The room had good floor space (important for rolling / crawling babies) and there were a reasonable selections of toys of the floor. I could see a woman who seemed to be a member of staff and who explained that I needed to sign my name on the board if I wanted a massage. I didn't need a second invitation. The great thing with this group is that the staff member takes your baby whilst you get your rather excellent 10-15 minute massage. I'll be back!

 

After the massage I fed the baby and headed off to the waterfront in the car - which meant the baby got another good sleep in the car and I got to have a cheeky ice-cream by the beach. I was seriously enjoying this full-time parenting job by now! Free massages and an ice-cream in the sunshine by the ocean was bliss. 

DAY FOUR A non-emergency Doctor's appointment kicked the day off, which meant a few things... my military style morning routine was going to get another work out, another trip to the city, another waterfront walk and possibly another ice-cream. The sun was out and my little one was keen to explore so within 10 minutes of walking out of the doctor's surgery I was walking by the ocean, with a sleeping baby in the trolley. I was thinking how I could get very used to this indeed and so quickly thought about buying a lottery ticket. We stopped at a bar by the grass covered steps by the rowing club, which was surprisingly busy for a Friday morning. After more great fresh-air sleep for the baby and another 4-5 chapters of my book completed we moved on in search of ice-cream. The gelato place around the corner provided it and once again I was feeling relaxed and grateful for living in such a beautiful place that is so easy to get around. 

DAY FIVE (PLAY DATE) - my first play date loomed and I began wondering what was the etiquette of a play date? Are you supposed to bring toys to share? Can you be lazy and just use the hosting person's baby stuff? What if the babies don't get on? Fortunately I knew the couple that I was visiting were well practiced in such protocols. For us the benefit being the guests meant we could just take the basic things. Unsurprisingly my son was sleeping soundly on our arrival after another car journey. Cars are amazing places for babies to get to sleep.  My friends had a boy almost the same age as my boy so once my son woke up he was super excited to play with new toys and explore his surroundings. In particular my little boy seems to love pets, cats in particular (he is so like his dad), and it's great to see how he reacts to animals as we don't currently have any at home. My friend had the most placid and accepting cat, which was fortunate as my boy tried pulling several clumps of the cat's fur, and I mean handfuls of fur. Having managed to restrict the animal abuse we attempted to sit the boys a bit closer together. There was some mutual staring at each other before they tried to grab at each other which seemed friendly but ended in eye gouging and hair pulling. As we had no intention of staring a baby 'fight club' we kept the boys a little further apart for the rest of the time as they got used to the other's presence. Another fun hour passed and we managed to get through the rest of the play date without any damage to persons or property. I know you have very little control over your child's behaviour at such a young age, but it's funny how you do feel so responsible for their actions, especially when around other children.

AND THE REST... It was a great week with my son and I really appreciated the benefit of a few things:

1) Having an established morning routine for the baby

2) Having baby that enjoys being outside

3) Knowing a good walk or car ride would induce some sleep.

4) Slowing down and enjoying basic things like a nice walk, time to read a book and having ice-cream.

5) Being able to access so many free community groups and spend time with friends who are in a similar situation.

On a more reflective and serious note I really loved being the full-time carer for my son for this brief time. Whilst I'm glad that more and more dads are getting time off to be with their kids, it doesn't really happen enough. I've had to wait 8 months for this opportunity (because of our personal circumstances) and I don't want to wait another 8 months for the next time. I was pretty proud of myself too for not only coping well with the challenges of caring for a baby full-time, but also for being able to share lots of fun times with my little one and actually have the chance to see how he grows and develops day to day and week to week.

Often with working full-time, disturbed sleep, other family responsibilities and other general life stuff it feels like I am usually operating at a maximum of 75% energy at best. So to be able to actually stop, sit down and have time with the baby when I was feeling refreshed and full of energy was awesome. Bring on the next bit of time off!

Regards from New Zealand.  

 

6 months in (Now nearly 7), the search for day care & long distance travel.

So here we are - 6 months in (It's now almost seven by as publish this!) It's quite hard to believe we have reached this point and as I try and recall some of the past 5-6-7 months I find it all a bit of a blur to be honest.

The chaos and uncertainty of the first 2  - 4 weeks was followed by a further 4 weeks of tiredness and exhaustion. A settling period descended from weeks 8-12, before finally feeling like we had mastered the basics from about week 12. For me, weeks 13 - 26 weeks have been far more enjoyable with a more interactive chilled a slowly improving sense of mastery of this role we call parenting

Now at six months (now seven) I feel like the baby can start to adapt to our routines a little more easily and the balance of life is leaning more towards the family as a whole rather than all daily considerations being only about what the baby needs. This has been especially important as having another child in the family has meant priorities for everyone have changed and making sure that other siblings get time and attention has not always been easy, (well for me anyway!).

As the baby's sleeping hours stretched out to almost a full (full) nights sleep I started to get a sense of what felt like a normal functioning brain.

Unfortunately now the baby is teething (many new parents will come to hate that word), sleep has become something a far more precious commodity - a commodity that I am not getting anywhere enough of. I would sell my soul for a month of uninterrupted sleep!

I watched a facebook video of parents talking about op tips for bringing up kids with a very soppy ending saying oh it's all worth it because you have something to love more than you can know. Well yes, I have feeling towards my child, that is certainly something I have never known before (as this is my first biological child), but I'm sorry, right now life with a young baby never stops being anything other than a series of jobs you don't get paid for, smelly nappy changes, a drain on finances and a way of systematically dismantling any shred of a social life.

Well ok, I'm being a touch dramatic, but there are days when I think, 'hmmm ok I'm over the baby chores, the nappies, the poor sleep, the crying shriek, and if I'm honest - the lack of being able to be out much later than 10pm! Yes I may be sounding a little pitiful, but I want other new parents out there to know it's totally ok if they have days where it feels like it's not all rainbows and ponies!

Solids & Poos = Beware!
We are now feeding the baby some solids - blended and pureed fruit, mash, vegetables. Ay yes using a spoon to feed the little one the first few times was pretty sweet..... Now I'm just putting a warning here about the next content....
for any global traveller you will know what happens to the consistency of your poo (faeces) when you live in another culture and eat a totally different diet. It helped me understand why in Vietnam there were water hoses in stead of toilet paper to clean yourself afterwards.

Well we recently started using solids and oh boy did things change in the nappy (diaper) department...
It got a whole lot more smelly and tougher to clean up. I tell you what else I learned after just one mistake... wait until after the first 'bomb' to make sure the second bomb doesn't catch you out shortly afterwards.

The follow-up issue that came with the introduction of solids was just how sensitive a baby's bottom is and how sore they can get. Our little one got a really sore bun.. I mean not just a rash... a really deep red soreness that looked like it was beginning to blister.....

Honestly I was winching at how sore it looked (This is a reference photo and not my baby's bottom).

THE OCCUPATION BIT
Its been a funny old few weeks. The reduction in my favorite occupation of sleep has definitely impacted my physical and cognitive performance. By the the end of the week I am noticeably struggling to get through some work tasks that require focus and intense concentration. Today I struggled to use a self-checkout machine at the supermarket purely out of tiredness. I simply couldn't understand where I had to put my basket full of shopping.  The other day whilst trying to make some baby formula, I found myself trying to screw on the top of the baby bottle to the flask. It was not even close to fitting but a 10 year old child had to point out what I was doing wrong.

The continued participation in baby caring tasks has definitely got me feeling like I have achieved a sense of mastery (within reason of course) for caring for a little one. The difference I have found with this occupation of Parenting is the emotional attachment placed on the majority of the tasks required by the role. Yes many of the tasks are staring to feel boring and mundane, however because they have the attachment of another person's survival (especially your own flesh and blood) the motivation to complete the tasks well is high. The pressure of completing the tasks correctly is also high as the sense of guilt and/or shame if something goes wrong (like a sore bottom) can be a tough consequence.

I understand now why so many people said to me: no matter what happens, 'just give yourself a break'. Great advice indeed! 

Getting Social or Disappearing: Things new parents have to consider.

Approaching month 6: Things are getting interesting and danger lies everywhere! Whilst the baby is becoming more and more like a little person each week and less like a bag of smelly wind and vomit, I am starting to realise just how beneficial it was to move home recently.

Whilst I am definitely mourning the loss of ‘city living’ (living a walkable distance to the city centre), and even more gut-wrenching is moving away from ocean views, I am beginning to understand how important the home environment is for a baby / young child once they can roll, crawl, or just grip anything with force.

So whilst I struggle to come to terms with exchanging ocean views and easy coastal access for low-lying cloud and a bit (extra) wind, I have no problems exchanging a top-level flat (accessed via an old wooden staircase) for a private small yard & garden and ground level entry. I have learned the hard way that the feature that I most like about our previous home, (having a separate kitchen), is not child friendly. Now an open-plan living area has allowed me to both watch the baby whilst preparing dinner, (it was a Shepard’s Pie – for those of you who may have been wondering). When the time comes I now do not have to worry about the baby crawling or running towards an old wooden staircase.

The other bonus is having a separate room for the baby – though this also comes with some good and bad features. Good feature: I’m less likely to get woken up at night if the baby makes a few brief noises. Bad feature:  I have to get out of bed to soothe the baby. Good feature: our room does not look like a bomb-site filled with baby clothes, toys and random stuff. Bad feature: we now have a ‘baby monitor’ (audio only) – which means if you are in the baby’s room and forget about the monitor, other people in the house might hear what you are saying / singing, or moaning about!

Now after seeing these kind of pictures, I'm glad we opted for an audio only monitor!

Visiting Friends when you have a baby:

I am beginning to have a better understanding of how parents of a new born baby can seem to disappear from their usual social circle and activities. Just visiting friends in their home can throw up some very new and challenging scenarios. Going to your mates for a beer, cuppa or catch up suddenly requires military style precision to achieve this.

First of all there is the bag packing....

Then there is the rush...

This explains why going to the homes of other people with similarly aged babies / children is much less stressful. Most baby free homes do not have a dedicated space to change a baby, (important in minimising poonami over-spills), they usually don’t have appropriate toys around to help distract your baby / child, and most importantly, your friend’s without young children haven’t put nice decorative / expensive ornaments out of the reach of children - because they don't need to.

So why not invite friends around to your own house? - I hear you ask! This is not always a good option, even though this involves far less worry regarding your baby’s poo & feeding times. This is often because you just simply don’t know what state your home is going to be in at any given time. There are days when you might have found to have a good clean up / tidy up and then there are days when you simply have been so overwhelmed with attending to your baby that you suddenly walk into a room in your home and wonder how you had not noticed that a category storm 5 has passed through scattering clothing, bottles and other random items around in such a way, that you have to check that you haven’t been the victim of a movie-esq FBI home search.

Then there are social outings... Not only do I desperately miss being able to say yes to spontaneous invitations from friends to go for dinner, drinks or do fun social things at the weekends, I don't really enjoy having to pack a suitcase (well pretty much) of things that I am unlikely to need, yet really need in the unlikely event that the baby actually does need them. You only to forget to pack a spare change of clothes / or appropriate clothes for weather conditions one time, to know disaster is never far away. New parents: no matter how nice your friends are, they don't really like seeing you squirm around with a screaming child and poo-covered hands - even if they laugh half-heartedly and say - "oh it doesn't matter that you have soiled our beautiful furniture / recently purchased clothing / or pet dog". Also, in the event that you have successfully navigated a social event and are having a good old time, there is a big likelihood that your child or child's routine will determine the time you leave. 

  
Trust me, if you have a routine that works for you, and your baby is sleeping well as a result of that routine there would have to be a truly amazing reason for you to break that routine at a social event. I am serious about this! Your favourite movie star would have to  be trying to seduce you, or your football team would need to be minutes away from the greatest victory in their history  - to justify breaking a successful baby routine. 
That said, we have enjoyed taking out little one to numerous social events, BBQ's, dinners, community events etc - though we do always consider if there is a place for him to sleep / eat / be changed before going.

THE OCCUPATION BIT: - The environment can be your friend:
One thing my time as an Occupational Therapist has taught me is that perspective can be a powerful tool or barrier to achieving your goals. I don't think there are too many OT's that have racked up as many different cross-cultural OT--related experiences as I have, so I feel quite qualified to make these next statements.
I have learned to perceive any new environment that I find myself in (cultural, political, social etc ) as my friend, as a support. Yes, any environment can offer barriers to the successful task completion (of socialising with a baby), and yes a new environment has the potential to raise anxiety, but it also offers us an opportunity to use our problem solving skills. Not being able to control all of the environment (hazards, noise, past positive experiences), does not mean we are unable to navigate a way through a new place. I have discovered almost any home can be temporarily turned into a place where a baby's can sleep, be cleaned up and most importantly enjoy and explore - with the right level of supervision and thought.  

I have found in the past 2 months that maintaining a good social routine has been beneficial to the whole family. Maintaining social contacts reminds that I am more than 'care giver', feeling able to access a wider physical and social environment minimises any levels of frustration and ultimately our little boy has the opportunity to get used to being in different environments and more socially aware, even at this young age.  This has only been possible by embracing the opportunities that come with taking a baby into new environments and accepting the challenges that go with it!

Regards from parent land.
Dan

Month 5 & Christmas with a baby...

Hi Everybody,

Month Five has included some big changes for everybody. The baby gets bigger and heavier to carry - so the arrival of a baby-carrier has been really brilliant! Of course as with any new 'toy' you need to have a little guidance on how to use it!

Using the baby carrier is something we now wished we had done from the very beginning as being able to use your hands and arms whilst carrying the baby at the same time is a bloody useful thing to be able to do. I took the baby out in the carrier and found that he took time to settle, and he only settled after some extreme finger-sucking got him to relax enough for him to sleep in it.  

CHRISTMAS WITH A BABY

Christmas has also come and gone with a house move thrown in for good measure! I tell you, in the past 18 months I have ticked at least 4 out of the top 10 items on the 'life's most stressful events' list with moving countries, getting married, having a baby & becoming a parent, moving house and then some!!! I think I need a holiday!

Christmas time itself was certainly very different and had a different dynamic to it with a baby around the place. My first instincts were 'there's no point in doing much for the baby - as he is 4 months old and won't remember any of it anyway! Plus I didn't want to waste money on presents for a baby, when to be honest, he'd be just as happy with only the wrapping paper if it is colourful and crunchy...

Whilst I was right about the colourful & crunchy wrapping paper being the best present for a baby, I was surprised about how much he liked to see the Christmas tree lights, how much he liked to try and grab the tree, and how much he liked to watch things go on around him. One really big thing I have learned form this first Christmas is to appreciate the simple things. Yes I can be a little 'careful' with money as those of you who know me well may tease me about, but I can honestly say that no amount of money would have made a difference to our lovely Christmas, especially as my parents were here to share it with us. Now I am looking forward to the next few Christmas celebrations where the little one can truly get into the magic of Father Christmas, and I can use 'Santa' to remind him to be behave well (or get no presents).

As the year ticks by and we enter 2017 with a 5 month old bundle of fun I have started to think about how much I have learned in the past 4/5 months. Feeding, holding, soothing, bathing and generally just interacting with the baby has become much easier. There is never a shortage of advice from either friends, family, other parents or just passers by  who are willing to give handy hints on how to survive through those first 3 months of the baby arriving and having your entire word disrupted. The pictures below definitely show how we, (I should say I), have developed through the parenting process.

I also need to develop a few of these clever strategies:

Moving house with a baby..... oh this does take some planning, and as much as I enjoy planning things, moving house is stressful enough without adding the complications of what needs to follow the baby. We've had some interesting conversations about what was 'essential' and needed to move with the little one. I  have to say that my wife's logic won out over my pragmatic approach and we have held on to some items which will help us keep him occupied whilst we complete the full move in the coming days.

As 2017 is now here I am hoping for a year of stability. No more moves in country or overseas, no job changes, no pregnancies, no major life events of any sorts if possible. Hopefully 2017 can be a year of just pleasant simplicity, and enjoying the development of both the little one, and the not so little one. (plus myself as well).

THE OCCUPATION BIT:

I can say with all honesty that 2016 will remain a significant turning point in my life. A new permanent, 24 hour, challenging, sometimes dumbfounding occupation has arrived in my life. It's added daily challenges, joy, stress and frustrations to everyday life. It's very different from the parenting role I already held (as a step-parent), but equally rewarding (so far).

This new role has caused an involuntary seismic shift in my participation in what I considered to be my usual roles and other occupations. This new occupation has even affected the social interactions I have in all other occupations, and seems to have changed my own and other peoples perception of me as a person. Indeed, people ask my about this occupation of being a parent, usually before they ask me how I am doing as an individual... that's been a really big change. It's almost like instead of having a sign above my head with my name 'DAN' on it, the sign simply says 'NEW PARENT'. The loss of my identity as an individual as a result of this change was not something I had considered much prior to having a baby. I am getting used to it, though am fortunate enough to have a very wide group of friends who do still ask me "oh hey Dan, how are you doing?" before they ask - oh hey, how's the baby?

The other major issue is that of occupational competence. Prior to experiencing being a parent of a new born, I have always felt a reasonable sense of mastery of the things I have done in my life, (since being in my early 20's). I'd always assumed that parents kinda knew what they were doing. One thing I have learned via experience and vicariously through other new parents, is that many situations occur and you just don't know what to do...a and that can be really scary and make you feel a bit crappy. People don't tend to ask you if there is any thing you are struggling with? - however, I've learned that asking that question (to people you know well enough to ask that kind of question to) often gives them a reason to offload anything they want or need to.  So please be patient with new parents, don't judge their actions too quickly, and occasionally if you have a close enough relationship, ask them if they are struggling with anything.  

Cheers for Reading :)
Dan