The lost art of sleep & the spirit of kindness.

One week ago: I'm totally KNACKERED... and it's only Monday I'm at the start of the week and I feel like I've ran a half marathon, built a wall, moved house, and studied for all the exams I have ever taken in a 2 day period. Somehow my brain is functioning - albeit slowly, but my eyelids are making the loudest protest right now. I've gone from not caring when the baby wakes up (because you just want to give him whatever he needs any time of day or night), to thinking that he is really a an evil mastermind who has the ability to sense when you are at your weakest - then give you a look of pure cruelty...

What I wouldn't give to be back in Vietnam with a two hour lunch break - and the chance of a power nap. Mind you, if I could sleep for two hours at work I'm afraid I'd be a drooling mess within 10 minutes and snoring like a bear after a night on the beers....

I honestly can not remember how a time when my sleep has been so interrupted. I'm not after sympathy here, I know there are lots of people out there who have sleep issues. I'm merely commenting that having a new-born in the house who needs immediate attention at any given point in 24 hours - is bloody hard work when you are not used to it.

One week later: I had a great night's sleep last night and feeling alert and fully orientated to time, place & person! I'd definitely score 30/30 on the mini-mental state examination today - what a difference a good night's sleep can make!

Being 'on-call' 24 hours for a baby got me thinking about a really good discussion point - Attachment Parenting:

Attachment theory states that a strong emotional and physical attachment to at least one primary caregiver is critical to personal development. John Bowlby first coined the term as a result of his studies involving the developmental psychology of children from various backgrounds.

This theory splits opinion in the parenting and psychological worlds. I think some people get caught up with the extreme idea that attending to your baby's every whim, instantly for as long as you can - is probably going to lead to some pretty exhausted parents / care givers - and fractured social relationships. Also some people believe that you will set a precedent were your child becomes needy and unable to deal with delayed gratification... you know the tantrum child who wants instantaneous attention

 On a more realistic level I do believe that having close physical bonds with your baby is not going to do any harm, and (for me personally) I believe that a new-born baby is not able to manipulate it's carer into bad habits. 

I've seen the effects of poor physical and emotional attachments both through my time in Romania www.otdaninromania.blogspot.com and arguably throughout my time working in 'moderate to severe' mental health services in the UK and NZ.

Anyone that knows me pretty well knows I'm also a great fan of the behavioural school of Psychology and like to get creative in problem-solving when trying to modify the behavior of others. My theories of school discipline in the UK has raised more than a few eyebrows (think white vans, physical punishment & regulated assessors / pain administrators). 

 

Then there is the Santa Claus motivator. Having a Santa suit handy mainly through the months of March - December can be a great way to keep you youngster in check. Having Santa appear shortly after your child's severe misdemeanor or great behaviour with a 'Naughty/Nice' list - (with your child's name in BIG RED letters on the naughty or nice list) - can be a great reinforcement for good behaviour.

Getting out and about:
Someone said to me that when you have a baby "it's all about home,  home is pretty much where you live all your life". I'm not a homely person - the idea of spending endless amount of time in the  the house fills me with dread to be honest. I like the idea of a restful few days, but ultimately after a few hours of 'chilling out' I'm looking for something to do.

Hence, the frequent debates about under what circumstances is it ok to take a young baby out. To put this in context - I live in one of the windiest cities in the world - honestly... and when the wind comes from the South (South Pole) it's bloody freezing. Lots of people have an opinion on exposing babies to the elements however getting fresh air and especially natural sunlight can be really important.
It's not just about the baby though, having some time away from baby (where possible) has been hugely helpful, and being reminded that you have not been put on this earth for the sole purpose of cleaning poo and providing food is pretty good. Interestingly for me is that so far - the baby is often sleeping better when he's out (or on the move - in the pram or car), and seems to be pretty happy letting other people handle him.

Fortunately we have been blessed with amazing friends who have not only brought food with them when they visit, but also they bring tales of the outside world and a reminder that we didn't always live exclusively in these few walls. Honestly, the spirit of kindness shown by people continues to move me and we have lots of karma we need to pass on to others to keep the karma flowing.

The Occupation Bit

So what have we learned since the last post? Sleep is the most precious thing in the world:

As OT's we often talk about problem solving, goal setting, mastery of skills, the establishment of routine, and the impacts that our occupations have on our self-image, self-worth and general well-being. The role of parenting has been a role in which I've been made to feel very inadequate, very quickly, without any real quick sense of mastery, definitely no definitive routine and feeling like the locus of control is very much external - i.e the baby! So many parents talk of feeling frustrated in those moments whereby you try everything and nothing seems to work when you try and settle your little one... The role also totally encompasses and fills your world to the point that you can really start to question your own competence and self-confidence.

Your general well-being is certainly put to the test with the sleep deprivation / disturbance, and reduction of other social activities. Keeping a sense of reality, by sharing the experience with others - either family and friends that have been through it, and also most helpfully other new parents, is a great help as you realise that you are certainly not going through this alone and the difficulties you face are not unique to your baby. 

That's enough for now.
Regards from New Zealand.

He's arrived & time as an occupation in itself....

So 3 weeks ago today the baby arrived! A baby boy with a full head of hair which is a very different colour to my own. He seemed fairly chilled as he made his first appearance in this world and stayed like that for all of 24 hours... then reality kicked in and life has changed beyond all recognition...

You know how people tell you things like "oh you'll be having sleepless nights for a while" and "get lots of sleep now", and "oh you won't have time for anything with a new-born" - and you think to yourself, why would you say all these (fairly negative) things to me now - just before I am going to experience one of the most joyous life experiences?  - well now I know why people say these things - it's a warning! It's not a flippant remark. They are secretly saying 'oh you poor bastard! You have no idea what you have signed up for"...

As a pretty organized person 'time' has always been a friend to me. My weeks have always been packed with lots of different activities, different groups of people and not so much time at home. Well that's all changed so drastically that I have to check my own passport to make sure that I am not suffering from "Imposter syndrome".

Time no longer feels like something that is endless, fluid or variable depending on any given activity. In these first few weeks of the baby's life there is almost no way to plan ahead. The household routine has revolved solely around the baby's needs - mainly feeding. All other household activities get pushed down the priority list and non-baby meal-times, teenager's homework time, visitors, showering and even dressing on occasions get delayed. There has been little rhyme of reason for the baby's variable sleeping and feeding times so everyone else simply has to adapt. Quieting a crying baby was week one's priority, though the urgency of this is reducing.

What I have come to realize quite quickly is summed up pretty well by this next picture, because no matter how organized you think you can be...

Since the baby arrived the kind of conversations had at home have totally changed as you might expect. Instead of talking about work, football, tv, family or news - we talk about poo, wee, breasts, sleep, nappy (diaper) quality, skin rashes - oh and then maybe about what we will have for dinner. Conversations outside of home have changed just as much. I don't think I've ever had so many conversations about my wife's body parts in all my life, as much as I have within the last few weeks. Health professionals, the antenatal group members, other mothers, friends, work colleagues, - all ask (what in any other context would be really intrusive questions) - about my wife's body - but it seems quite normal to ACTUALLY SHARE THIS INFORMATION. Seeing the boundaries of relationships change (even temporarily) is something that has really surprised me.

On a totally random note, when the baby was born, the hospital midwife pointed to an area on the base of his back and said " oh look, he has a "Mongolian Blue Spot" - at the time I was in too much of a state of wonder to know if I should be worried or offended....  For those of you wondering what the hell a Mongolian Blue Spot actually is:

Mongolian spots are very common in any part of the body of dark-skinned babies. They are flat, gray-blue in color (almost looking like a bruise), and can be small or large. They are caused by some pigment that didn't make it to the top layer when baby's skin was being formed.

People say that babies can test the patience of a saint, and just 3 weeks into this experience I can totally agree with this statement. I'm not saying that I am a 'Saint' but I do have a serious amount of patience (generally speaking). One problem I'm finding though is that babies are really good at making you feeling guilty when you experience a negative emotion towards them- not consciously of course... you can find yourself starting to feel angry towards them because they do some of the following:

- appear to cry without any good reason, and don't top crying,

- shit in their nappy the minute you put a clean one on them,

- pee all over you, and then crap in their newly changed nappy again,

- wake you from that precious hour of sleep you thought you just might get,

- stop you from being able to eat when you are hungry, or sleep when you are tired.

- turn you into an 'on-call zombie'.

So there have been moments when I think to myself, ok, I'm doing this for you now, but I'm going to get some compensation back from you in the future - such as 50% of your life-time salary, 25% of any big lottery win, or perhaps the ultimate revenge (see below):

Then you have the flip side of things that just make you keep doing all these things that you don't like doing... because the baby has those moments of total and utter cuteness. They look up at you as if to say: " you are my world - so you have to help me" or "thanks dad, you are the perfect shape to sleep on". However if babies had a more developed form of communication I'm pretty sure they would be saying:

So, 3 weeks in and despite living in a time vacuum around this little poo-bag / sound amplifier - my 'occupations' and the boundaries around personal disclosure, participation in social activities, division of family time and personal values have already changed substantially.

In my humble opinion the traditional Occupational Therapy Theories & Models that depicted finding a balance between Self-Care, Leisure & Productivity to maintain well-being do no apply to the guardians of a new-born baby.

If this was the Kawa River Model - I'd be somewhere in a big river, surrounded by rapids, perched on some driftwood with a paddle the size of a spoon... or looking something like this...

That's probably enough for now... as time has caught up with me....

Night from New Zealand
Dan