8 weeks in – Dealing with Negative emotions & it just got interesting…

As we approach the 8 week point (8 bloody weeks!! – how that time passed I have no idea!) I have been thinking about the ups and downs of having a new born. Not wanting to repeat myself too much, but if I had to pick three words to describe the first few weeks of my life with a new born they would probably be:

1) DISRUPTION    

2) EXHAUSTION

3) FEAR

I appreciate people have different experiences and opinions, but to me it’s not coincidence that all three words have more negative connotation than positive. Prior to having friends with babies I’d have imagined words like AMAZING, JOYOUS & SCARY would have been more likely to feature in my list… however I’d like to explain my choices…

1)      DISRUPTION: You think you can plan your way through life with a new-born? I did, though I expected the baby may not fully play along with my schedule. I’ve learned that there is often no rhyme or reason to life with a new born… crying can be caused by any number of factors – only the process of elimination lets you work it out…. Sleeping and feeding don’t follow pattern, with ‘rough guides’ from Healthcare workers being of some use. There can be very few opportunities to do anything that is not directly related to non-essential life activities such as eating, sleeping, cooking, washing, toileting… Yes routines can be developed (bath time, putting baby to sleep when it’s tired), but as a parent who had to work soon after the birth you simply can’t function the same way as before.

 

2)      EXHAUSTION: I have BABY-BRAIN. Waking 1-3 a times a night, and working full-time has seriously reduced my cognitive capacity. I can’t remember more than 3-4 things on the shopping list, my information processing speed has reduced, and even physically I notice I have been clumsy in my movements. Obviously during this time all the things I usually do to hone those skills (such as sports) have ceased so that’s a double-whammy. I am not sure just how I have not fell asleep at work some days – only once did I actually nod-off in the car at lunch time – (I wasn’t driving at the time). As an Occupational Therapist in Vocational rehabilitation – analyzing great levels of detail when assessing job roles, work environments and work tasks and duties requires periods of focus and concentration. Some days that has been a challenge. One Friday I went to bed at 7:30 pm!!! – and didn’t wake up until Saturday lunch time!

 

3)      FEAR: This is a strange one. Fear keeps us alert, and in-turn, keeps us awake. As someone I am working with recently said to me – “the first three months is about keeping the baby alive”. I didn’t really pay attention to this statement too much until I saw my partner spring out of bed (from a deep sleep state), like a startled cat and almost fly to the cot because the baby was making a choking sound. New-borns keep you on your toes… as their strength grows and their ability, and seemingly their will, to propel themselves like lemmings off a cliff becomes apparent. To avoid the hyper-vigilant state I’d suggest just bubble wrapping everything in your house! 

    Then there are the feeding issues. Is it enough? Is it too much? Is formula a bad thing? Is the baby sucking correctly, is he ‘latching on‘, does the baby have a tongue-tie? – The stress goes on and on and the poor mother is just getting more knackered with each day. It can be a very difficult time for partner’s too as there is a growing sense of helplessness as there is very little you can do, whilst your partner’s boobs are seemingly examined by what seems like a never-ending line of health professionals / other mothers.

There is also the fear of giving them anything (medicines, remedies, creams) that you are not 100% sure about – and let’s be honest if it’s your first baby you aren’t sure about anything! This Is where GOOGLE & THE INTERNET ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND!

Sure, you-tubing a video of how to how to use a baby sling or wrap your baby is a great help – however, reading the 1 in 10,000 horror story account from parents who have had a negative experience of a product / piece of equipment is not helpful, only confusing. If you google-searched dangerous baby products you’d be racing to sign your baby up for time in a sterilized isolation room… or reach for that extra bubble wrap.

Baby Injections: who like injections no matter how old you are? It’s not something that has been an issue for me, which is pretty lucky as I have had multiple vaccinations for work and for traveling. However taking a 6 week old baby for injections proved to be an event-filled outing. It felt to me as though we were taking the cat to the vets! The baby was just fine. Well, I say 'just fine' – he’d saved one of his best and biggest poos for a few moments before the Dr requested to examine his private parts. It’s the moment you think – oh shit (no pun intended) – we are competent people and don’t just leave our child in poo filled nappies all day!

The nurse was great and gave us detailed explanations of each vaccine, and then the needles came out and the tears flowed soon after! The baby was fine – he had about 30 seconds of crying – then settled.  ‘Mum’ on the other hand was a blubbering mess. I’ve learned from our ante-natal group that this is a pretty common reaction from new mums. Another 6 weeks and we repeat the process again.

THINGS JUST GOT INTERESTING….

If I’m honest, I got over the ‘cuteness’ phase of the baby quite soon after the birth. The dream-like state that we’d made this living thing was soon replaced with the realities of new-parenting. The funniest moments were usually centered around a comically times fart or burp, or a funny looking pose you could put the baby in when whilst he slept. These things aside, direct interaction with the baby was a little boring. Now however the baby clearly recognises us, is starting to smile / half-smile & is alert for long enough periods to be a little more interesting. He can grip items and react to things in his immediate environment with more consistency. I enjoy the interactions a little more now, though I’m still holding out for those times when he’s mobile and talkative. So we’ll settle for the half-smiles and the comically times farts and burps.

My favourite moment so far came about just a few days ago when I was able to take the baby out for a walk (which turned into an 11k trek). Being out of the house (which started to feel like a little bit of a prison for me), with the baby for a good 3 hours, and doing something active was awesome. I have to admit that the many positive vibes I detected from people who walked past us was very welcoming. Being an active ‘Dad’ was always one of things I imagined would be important for me if I had kids. Admittedly, the baby slept through the majority of the 3 hours, but that was not why it was my favourite moment – well – not entirely.

THE OCCUPATION BIT....

The number of tasks in my day, like the majority of people I imagine, are filled with tasks that we do because WE WANT TO, and tasks that we do because WE HAVE TO. I'd say for me my daily occupations throughout his period have definitely landed more on the side of tasks that I HAVE TO do, and this has been a real challenge for me. I would say the challenge comes as my values haven't changed, (I don't suddenly value my past occupations such a  community participation any less), but my priorities have changed. Therefore I prioritize tasks (mainly parent-based tasks) out of a sense of responsibility, rather than desire. This is something I have slowly been doing since getting married, and having a step-child, however this process has been brought into a sharper focus by a more intense shift into the world of parenting a new-born.

This shift in daily activities being led by responsibility rather than desire have impacted upon my levels of daily enjoyment. I don't get the same buzz from completing the disposal of nappies and sterilizing baby bottles as I do from scoring a goal at footy - even though the sense of importance is far greater in the first task.

The phrase 'oh your world is going to change when that baby arrives' is usually met with a sense of pleasant optimism, however the reality of that change for me has been far more neutral and pragmatic.  My world has indeed changed, as have my daily occupations, however I would not say it has been a joyous, fun-filled wonder - it's been bloody hard work, mot without it's moments of fear, joy, frustration and laughter.